"I apologize to pull you out of work, but it seemed like a topic that we could not pass."

I was sitting in one of the leather chairs in the principal office and my dad was sitting in the other chair beside me. He was wearing his work uniform and he didn't have the kindest expression on his face, I've never seen him like this; which I knew meant that he would rather be at work than here. I looked down at my hand as I couldn't help feeling the pounding of my heart and I didn't know where to focus. I was sitting in the office for over thirty minutes and most of the ten minutes were in silence before my dad came. I tried hard to not move or make any noise so I wouldn't be disturbing anyone. At the age of twelve, it feels like anything I say or do will get me more in trouble than I have to be.

"Well, I would like to know what is going on first because all I heard was that my son was disturbing the class and that another kid was also suspended for harassing him," he said. "What exactly happened?"

The principal cleared his throat as if he wasn't sure where to start and glanced over at me, "Well, it seemed like one of the boys in his class was calling Michael names and to came to the point that Michael was not comfortable enough that the boy had to be escorted out." he tried to explain.

"He was calling him names? Like what?" he asked, still confused.

The principal nodded over to me to show that he wanted me to say them or he rather I say it so he wouldn't have to.

I opened my mouth before I closed it, feeling my face growing hot, embarrassed that the attention was on me now, and I took a deep breath. "They were calling me: gay and faggot... Because I was messaging a boy online, a friend, and were teasing me saying that it was my boyfriend." I said.

"Our computers are going to be needing a new update with the limits of sites, but we don't really allow the students to be using them for their own private use... The concerning situation is that we have to take this as serious since people complain of how the boy was behaving towards your son and considering the language that was used we had to suspend the boy who was involved. Our school doesn't tolerate any homophobic behavior and it'll be for the safety of the students." The principal said and sighed. "All I want to say to end all this is that he's lost privilege on using the computers for the rest of the semester and only used with permission from the teachers."

My dad didn't say anything for a good two minutes and he nods his head afterward. "Alright," he said before glancing over at me. "Well, thank you for informing me of this," he said.

I wasn't too sure what my dad was thinking and I couldn't believe what was going on. I saw my dad standing up and I wasn't too sure what was going to happen to me.

"Is it fine if I pull Michael out for the rest of the day? We're going to have to discuss what happened." My dad said.

"Of course. It's fine," he said nodding before turning to me. "Michael, boys can be rude at times and name calling is not allowed. If any of these boys tease you that way again, please reach out to your teacher or me. We don't tolerate that sort of behavior."

"Yes, sir," I said, quietly.

I followed my dad out of the office and he signed a few papers that were waiting for him from the secretary to release me for the day. He spent a few minutes with that and once done we headed to the car and I was quiet the whole time. How am I going to explain all this to my dad again? I have barely come to terms that I am gay and does that mean I have to come out to my dad now? What will he do when I do tell him? All these thoughts came at me and I felt a knot on my chest that was making it hard to breathe. I didn't know what to do while feeling like this and I couldn't help but cry silently as I got in the car in the back seat not wanting to sit by my dad in the front.

My dad looked back seeing that I was sitting in the back and saw my expression. "Why are you crying?" he asked.

I couldn't say anything but shook my head as I wiped the tears and felt like it wouldn't stop. "I'm sorry," I said

"About?" he asked. "Was it about what those boys said to you?"

I shook my head.

"Don't listen to what they say because it's embarrassing to have people talking to you that way and they'll continue to tell those lies again," he said as he turned away to turn on his car. "I don't know why you were messaging another boy like that when you should be focusing on your schoolwork."

"I didn't mean any of it," I said as I tried to calm myself. "It wasn't like I wanted them to call me that..."

"With you crying like that, that will make them think you are gay. Makes it look like you're guilty as if you are one," he said as he started driving. "Where do they even learn those words. I'm sure it was just embarrassing being called gay in front of the whole class."

"But, Dad, I am gay," I said letting it out and it felt like I was forcing the words out of my mouth.

I can hear my dad sigh heavily as he shook his head. "You got to be joking. You're twelve years old so how would you know?" he asked me.

"Because I do... I like boys..." I said like I'm trying to convince him.

"Have you kissed a boy?" He asked.

"No."

"Did someone make you think that way? Was it that online friend?"

"No!" I said turning to him.

"Then? How can you know if you never have done any of that? You're just confused. You don't know what you want." he said.

"I'm not, Dad," I said, feeling confused at the things he said and I wanted him to understand that I was trying to be serious. "I am gay."

My dad sighed again and it got really silent in the car until we finally came to our house as he parked on the driveway. "You're grounded. No computer, cellphone, or playing any games until I tell you when you can have them back," he said turning to me. "And you're not allowed to talk to that friend of yours. Where do you even talk to these strangers online?"

I looked at him and felt that knot feeling in my throat like I couldn't talk. "He's not the reason why I'm gay." I tried to say. "It's just a game community chat for kids my age. But I'm just trying to tell you-"

"We're done talking about it. I don't want to hear any of it," he said, cutting me off and his voice raised a bit.

"But Dad-"

"That's it! The conversation is over. Go inside and I'll be back after I'm off work." he said. "This will not happen again. I don't want to be called because kids are calling you a faggot. If you want to say that you are one then you have to deal with people calling you that and don't just cry because you don't like it. Are you expecting me to be happy knowing this? Maybe you should have kept that to yourself until you got a girlfriend and then you can tell me if your still gay or not."

I sat there looking down at my pants as I was in tears again and it was silent as I couldn't bring myself to say anything. There is nothing for me to say back to that and I didn't have the courage to even talk back to him. I unlocked my door and got out of the car without saying anything then made my way to the front door without looking back. Once the door closed behind me, I finally cried leaning back against the door and I thought I was hyperventilating because I had a hard time breathing. I tried to not panic, but my chest started feeling tight and my breath came out short and I wasn't too sure what to do.

I walked to the restroom as I felt myself falling on my knees leaning over the toilet and I think my emotions of the day were all coming to me right now. I had never felt this way before and I didn't know what to do and there was no one home so I was all alone. At this point, my breathing finally calmed after I tried to take deep breaths and I can only think about what my dad said to me. How did today end like this and for my dad to tell me those things? How can I go to school tomorrow after all that happened? But I just came out to my dad and I wasn't expecting him to respond like that to me.

For a second I wasn't too sure what happened because I'd never felt like this before and I wasn't too sure if I was getting sick after everything that happened. I leaned towards the sink and turned on the water to wash my face. Once I felt well enough I went over to my room and laid down on my bed as I just breathed calmly now hoping that I can just relax. How was I supposed to expect the outcome of me finally coming out to my dad and it wasn't even the way that I wanted to, but I wasn't even ready myself to even say a word about it to him.

I ended up falling asleep and when I woke up my dad was already home. I can hear him moving around in the kitchen and I could only just close the door wanting to just hide away in my room. I didn't want to talk to him; I didn't want to continue our conversation and I was also just scared to hear anything that he had to say. There was a small voice in the back of my head trying to tell me that I was lying to myself and to never think about boys that way again, but I was only lying to myself. Another wave of panic struck me as I wondered what the kids will do when I return tomorrow or the kid who was suspended. Dad never checked in on me and I skipped out on dinner. I wasn't hungry.

Morning came and I slowly got up to put on my clothes, but I was still too scared to step out of my room. I can feel my heart pounding at the thought of going to school and having to face all those kids again. Can't I just stay home? No, dad won't let me. I finally stepped out of my room and walked over to the bathroom to wash then grabbed my backpack to leave it by the front door. I saw my dad in the kitchen drinking his cup of coffee while looking at his cell phone and I just walked over to grab a cup of milk hoping that would help soothe me. He didn't say anything to me and I wasn't too sure if he was pretending not to see me.

"You ready?" he asked, breaking the silence.

"Yeah," I said quietly as I put the cup in the sink.

I followed him outside to the car and once again I took a seat in the back. I still couldn't bring myself to look at him or even sit beside him after all that happened. The ride to school was quiet as well and after he dropped me off; all he said was that he was expecting me to be ready to pick me up when school was over. I walked over to my classroom and of course, almost everyone in my class was watching me. I quietly walked over to my desk and sat down trying to avoid anyone who was staring at me. I was about to pull out my book when three boys from my class walked up to my desk and I froze unsure of what to do.

"Hey, cry-baby, I heard you got Kevin suspended cause you were being a cry-baby." one of the boys said and the others laughed.

"So that must be true that you like boys, huh?" the other one said.

I turned up to them. "No," I said quickly.

"That's so nasty. I heard gays die faster just by kissing each other."

"Don't touch him. You don't know what will happen if you do." another boy said and I can hear someone behind me laughing.

"You're going to turn gay just by touching him."

"Wait, we should be careful or he'll start crying again."

A few of the kids laughed, "You should be careful or he'll call his dad and try to suspend us too."

"Just leave me alone," I mumbled.

I looked down trying to tune them out and I clutched my arm feeling my nails digging into my skin as I tried hard to not let them get to me. I wanted to cry. I wanted to yell at them to be quiet, but I didn't want the principal to call me to the office again and I don't want to hear dad say that I brought this on to myself. It wasn't like I wanted this to happen. The kids continued to laugh until the teacher finally came and everyone started walking over to their desk pretending as if nothing happened. I wanted to go home. I just wanted to just stay in my bed and not come out again. During the entire day, I kept to myself and I ended up skipping lunch as well by hiding away in the bathroom then I met dad at the same spot after school. We barely talked, I barely touched my food when we had dinner, and I locked myself away in my room. I just wanted to hide away and I didn't know how else to feel after everything that happened.

What was I supposed to feel after my dad didn't accept me after coming out and the kids at school taunt me? The past couple of weeks nothing changed after that event. I kept my distance from dad and we didn't talk as much as we used to. The kids still joked around me and some even refused to be partners with me in class project, afraid that I'll turn them gay by touching anything we shared. Everything I touched they end up throwing away or refusing to touch again and it only made me wonder if I'm toxic. I didn't know that I would end up without friends towards the end of the school year and the kids who were teasing me started to completely ignore me.

By the end of the school year, I spent most of my time looking for my backpack because the kids were grabbing it when I wasn't looking and hiding it away. One day, I looked around the room until I noticed a few kids laughing while they walked away from the restroom and I went to look to find it in one of the toilet stalls. I carefully took it out and it was already starting to smell from the water. How was I going to explain this to dad? Maybe he wouldn't care about this too. I had to walk home today and I carried my backpack in my hand and once home I put it in the restroom sink trying to wash it before dad comes home from work. I went over to the computer after I was finally allowed to use it again and it's been distracting me when I'm home alone, but I wasn't allowed to use any more social media sites now. I didn't care for them anymore and I stopped talking to people.

During summer vacation, I had to take summer courses since I failed two of my classes and dad had me go walking saying I can be more independent on my own now. A few of the boys from school were also in summer school so I tried to avoid them as much as I could. It was hard since they were always waiting for me when they had the chance, but they became rougher and I had a hard time getting out of their hold. Once they pushed me against the locker and tried to put lipstick on me while calling me a girl. I don't know what happened, but soon after that, I threw up when they left me alone and I didn't want anyone to touch me anymore. It was like fire every time I felt their fingers touching my skin and it was hurting me even if you couldn't see it. Dad noticed, but he didn't say anything. Maybe it was just too late to do something since I was already a mess. The only time he asked how I was when he saw me come home, half my shirt wet after they spilled milk over me during lunch, and I went straight to the restroom.

"Michael, has everything been okay?" he asked, knocking on the door.

"I'm fine," I said as I leaned against the sink and tried to take deep breaths trying to control my emotions.

"Look, I'm worried. You haven't been eating much these days and you're always in your room," he said.

I opened the door, "You're worried? Now you're worried after I've been dealing with these kids bullying me. You said I have to suck it up just because they want to call me gay." I said, slowly starting to raise my voice. "I'm trying to deal with it, okay? I tried hard so you wouldn't be called in and humiliate you again."

My dad sighed heavily. "I didn't mean it like that," he said.

"Yes, you did. You were embarrassed because of me." I said and tried to move past him.

"I'm not. Michael, look, I'm sorry," he said following behind me.

I tried to close the door, but my dad grabbed it and tried to make his way inside. I was already mad and I just wanted to cry alone in my room; just wanting to hide from everyone. Today had been so bad and I felt like I was safer in my room where there was no one taking my things or hurting me; I didn't have them pushing me to the ground where I bruised myself from the fall or people grabbing at me trying to scare me. I took a couple of steps back away from him and I just broke down in front of him because now I think that he'll hurt me too.

"I can't. I don't want to go back there. I don't want to go to school anymore." I said between tears. "All they do is hurt me and I'm scared to go. I get scared of going to school that I always end up throwing up and I can't eat."

My dad didn't say anything as he listened and he slowly reached out to try to hold me, but I pushed him away. "Please, Michael. Calm down," he said as he finally grabbed my arm to hold me still. "I'm sorry. I didn't know... I didn't know..."

"I don't want to go back there. I don't want to go to school. Can't I just stay home?" I asked him.

"You're going to have to go back. You can't just stop going to school," he said as he watched me. "How about we just change to another school? Wouldn't that be better?"

I shrug my shoulder; I don't know if that would help or maybe it would be better.

"Michael, I was harsh, but I didn't mean for it to come out like that. I was surprised and I didn't think about how you felt... If your gay then you're gay. I didn't know what I said would affect you that way," he tells me. "But if they are bullying you then you have to tell me. You can't handle something like that alone."

I didn't say anything and I didn't know how to respond to that or anything that he said.

"You should go wash up and let's order pizza or whatever you want. We can talk about it or not and afterward we can see you transferring before the new school year starts," he tells me.

"Okay," I said as I turned to him and reached over to hug my dad.

I spent the rest of the summer staying home after my summer course was done, I was able to pass the classes, and my dad tried to work with my transfer. Apparently, because of the event that happened and not having evidence or witnesses to the bullying, they weren't able to do anything about it. I tried to give them a list of the kids, but they were denying the whole event, and being more involved it counted as their word over my own. Dad was furious and continued on the process for my transfer. I realized that I couldn't go back to being that person I was before. There were things that I couldn't find funny anymore, I didn't have friends to joke around with anymore, and most of my days I spent it sleeping.

Dad wanted to hope that things would be a lot better between us and, honestly, he was the only person I wanted to try hard for since there was nothing else for me. I knew the bullying wouldn't stop right away at this new school I was going to, but maybe it was just my thoughts already getting the better of me and couldn't look into the bright side. By the time I was allowed to transfer, I had a hard time socializing with people, I was never involved in any sort of interactions in class, and my dad barely noticed the change within me since I didn't want him to worry about me. My dad apologized for the words he said, but I couldn't shake off his words because they were already engraved in my head and constantly being reminded of it. I felt like he had meant it when he said that I had to deal with it myself and that made it so difficult to speak out loud about it.

How could I? What was I supposed to do?

I was able to go to the school in the next city over and it wasn't so difficult to adjust to for a while, but I was nervous every time I had to talk with the other kids in the class. I spent most of my lunchtime in the classroom, the teacher allowed me to stay, and right after my class,, I went straight home. Dad asked every day how school was going and I was honest enough to say that it was peaceful; peaceful that I was finally left alone. After getting through my first semester I was sitting in my new classroom as the spring semester started for my eight grade year and I would continue to spend my time in the classroom during lunch. I was about to pull out my textbook from my new desk when I noticed my desk partner beside me had stayed behind to sleep. I couldn't help glance over at him since he would always cover himself with his hoodie between classes and I noticed that he was always playing basketball after school in the courtyard. He was taller than me, far muscular then I would ever be, and right now he looked softer than the usual attitude expression that I've seen around the other people he hangs with.

"You know it's rude to stare," he mumbled.

I blushed, turning away and for a second I was scared about what he'll do to me since this is the first time he's ever spoken to me. "Sorry," I said as I looked down at my book.

"It's fine. Keep on looking if you think I'm gorgeous," he said as he moved closer but still kept himself propped as if he's sleeping.

I couldn't help but smile, "Don't be so full of yourself." I said.

"Oh, come on, I've been told by a few people that I'm good looking. You don't have to lie to me," he said.

I tried to focus on looking at my book and I didn't know what to say.

He opened his eyes when he noticed that I didn't respond back and sat up, "What's your name again?" he asked.

"Michael," I said.

He nods, "I'm Chris." he said introducing himself then slowly got up to stretch his arm. "Come on, let's go get drinks before the bell rings."

I was honestly scared to go with him because I was afraid that he would be like everyone else that had tormented me and he was just trying to lure me out away from the teacher. He would wound up being my new bully and I wasn't sure I could handle that again. I can't go back to how I was and I hardly know Chris to just follow along beside him, but I wanted to. I guess I'll follow and who knows maybe things will get a little easier. I was hoping for a new change by coming to this school and that it would make me feel better.

I waited for a second before slowly getting up, "Alright." I said taking this chance.