Angeliqui

One thing I'd say about Berrylands is that I love this unique kind of cold here, it's different, it's soothing, it calms the chaos in my brain

and the coffee shop that is across from our little home

that is the second thing about Berrylands that I love

I love to go there and sip coffee with icy wind freezing my outer skin

Our village is full of people with kind eyes and mouth which my intuition says is full of sweet poison .

As I sit in a park

Plucking peonies

My thoughts wavers from place to place

From peonies to lilacs

From roses to sunflowers

I ate the last strawberry just a minute ago and now I need to stop eye cherishing mother nature's beauty and move

Move back to my one and only family member left

Who is waiting for me in our home

But still these flowers are so beautiful I don't want to leave them

They all are dancing on the breezy music

Wavering as the icy stormy wind hits their pale petals

Ugh

I need to get out to dream world of flowers and get back to home

After all, apple dinner awaits

And so I get up

Today I again chose what I daily choose, a white little flowy frock with beautiful creamy white puff sleeves it also has ruffles on the end

It's my favorite frock dress

But over years it has lost its shine

But still I daily wear it

( I wash and dry it everynight )

It's just so close to my heart that I can't stop wearing it no matter insidiously it had become threadbare and it barely cover my upper thighs now that I have grown up ,

But as I get up it floats in air and I have to squeeze it from both my hands

Probably I should wear tights too but they're quite expensive

As the stormy wind calms a little

I gather my novel and duffle bag and make my way back to home and awaiting pancakes.

The walk to home feels like wind sweeping me from my feet

As if newly wed groom carrying his bride

This crazy stormy wind is blowing in the same direction I'm walking and it feels as if the universe is sending signals which says

" reach home faster you aren't strong enough to suffer the consequences "

Uggggghhhh

If my grandma heard my thoughts

She'd say " your novels have ruined your mind "

She always says that I should stop escaping in book world and start living in real one as I'm about to face destiny very different from any other girl  .

Destiny which is waiting for me to turn 21

Which I will turn  next month

I have no idea what awaits me

I have no idea what my future holds in its arms

If private female tutors weren't all I had on the name of school memories 

I would have had friends to discuss these mysteries grandma whispers in my ears

And I didn't realize

Lost in thought floating in storm which has turned to hurricane now

Is making me one of the forest creature left alone in forest to survive hurricane

Tress are falling apart

Kids bicycles have started flying

My hair's a mess

My frock, I have no idea what I look like or if I'm decently covered

All I care is about running

I need to get home

To grannyma

Before I also start fleeting around like those paper thin leaves fleeting chaotically and getting lost in storm

I run, run, run

And then finally our little safe haven home comes into view

I don't know why but suddenly a thought of never stepping in our home hits me

Run in opposite direction ,you never know what awaits you

My books have successfully ruined my mind.

By the time I reached my garden my frock and body is sodden and my white frock is now a little transparent & clings to my body ,showing my body shape and I'm sneezing with red and puffy nose

I enter my home , bringing traces of my wet footsteps with me

Today I was supposed to make  dinner

But now my grannyma is doing that because I wanted to enjoy roses and peonies

Ugh god

I can't keep sitting while she's tiring herself for both of us

And so I get up and make my way towards our cozy little kitchen

It's actually a wondrous kitchen

White slab with pale white daisies drawn on it

Pink stone planks for keeping our stuff of kitchen

These planks aren't fixed to wall

They are hanging with two ropes on each side

Like a home made swing

Our home is a little rustic masterpiece my grandpa made for all of us  when he was alive

Now all I have is my grannyma

If I would have been to places where people make friends

I would too have had people other than my grannyma in my life

This enrages me

I clench my teeth but they start to clatter

Maybe being furious and shivering cold with insane sneezing aren't a good combination for teeth

" grannyma, watcha doing ,I thought we decided dinner's on me "

"Let me make you your favorite one tonight ,dearest "

" you frustrate me sometimes grannyma "

" I'm asking politely ,leave angel and let me cook and anyways you've got yourself red nose again ,you're supposed to rest and get that red nose removed and also you gotta stop sneezing so much "

" I've gotten fever grannyma how can I stop, not in my control, is it "

" what do you want angel, why aren't you leaving "

I'm not leaving because something inside me says soon very soon I'll be snatched from you grannyma and I have very little time left with you, my lifeline grannyma

But I can't confess this to her

So instead I play annoying

" because I want to cook if that is something you won't allow me to do then the least you can do is let me watch you preparing dinner, please grannyma "

" I'm not get younger angel I can't banter with you ,it hurt my lungs I guess "

I can't help the giggle that leaves me on this sentence of her

" can I just sit and watch you preparing dinner "

" okay do what you want, you weren't going to accept any other answer anyways "

" hail to the grannyma "

And I laugh like crazy I always tease her with this

Then as time passes I watch her cooking gracefully

She's beautiful but she's aging

Her skin has started looking like that of a old woman

I start to feel a little better in the heat of the kitchen and the fireplace also helps

For five minutes I stare our rustic brown mantel which now is shining with the light of fire

A very winsome shade of yellow orangish fire

It makes me feel it's the same flame from the book " the moath and the flame " it's a beautiful shade of fire ,any moath would love to die in the depths of it

" what are you staring at, angel "

I think grannyma said something to me but I can't really hear or concentrate because I just cannot take my eyes off the beauty of fire, maybe I will someday become the moath in some man's flame

Man

A kind of man who'd have roaring heat and fire in his gaze

Gaze that could send daggers directly to my heart, to pierce it until there's nothing's left

Whose expression would always be grumpy and furious

Whose face would be a definition of a man with the five o clock shadow face,

Personality like a Greek God,

Arms so strong they'd look like swords

he'd enter any room like he owns it

I feel I'd become a moath in the flame of that kind of man

" ARE YOU LISTENING "

" aaaaah, you startled me grannyma "

" where were you lost angel, I was speaking to you for last ten minutes "

" I'm sorry, I just got lost "

" where "

" leave it no grannyma, just something from one of my book popped up in my mind , by the way, till the time you're cooking can I play music and twirl and pirouette a little "

" no "

" why but why grannyma " I say dramatically

" because in twirling and pirouetting you'll break kitchen stuffs like the China cups and the only expensive plates we have "

I have broken kitchen stuffs so many times in dancing that I can't argue

So I just stare at her

" do not look at me with those doe eyes "

I'm silently hopefully smiling

" uff kay fine, do what you love " she agrees

And just like that I play on

Feels like a dream by Emilee

And before I know I'm pirouetting in circles near the mantel, around the kitchen, rounding my grannyma

Twirling twirling....

Playing over and over

This can't be what it seems

I'm scared of waking up

Don't want this dream to be over ....

I don't know how long I stayed lost on these lyrics

Like I pirouetting whiff I dance and dance without a care in the world

I twirl

I don't really remember when exactly I grabbed grannyma's hands and now she's also dancing

We are both dancing without a care in the world

Free happy souls dancing with snow falling outside of our little home home

The fire place making everything look so dream like

And our apple pie dinner's looks like the cherry on the top

With eyes closed and soul humming and twirling

I was immensely joyous until I realized grannyma isn't dancing anymore

When I stare at her

She's in tears

" hey hey grannyma did I break something again, God I'm sorry, grannyma please please I won't ever dance again please don't cry, please grannyma "

" dance as much as you can ,you have just 1 more month of all of these dreamy chaotic things you love to do but dearest after you've enjoyed yourself and helped yourself with the dinner, meet me in my room, we need to talk about something, something that now you should know, something that'll change your everything, the way you think, the way you live, the way you are, I'm not getting younger day by day you need to know everything before I'm no more here to tell you what your future holds "